Project: AK-47 presents: "Stuck in the Snow." [featuring the lee and I] 1:51 PM

The Bible: an Invitation into Friendship. 7:06 PM

It was the last 4 minutes of class, Dr Bell spouted this out as if a passing, nonchalant suggestion. "The bible is an invitation into a conversation." The paradox is that the inference he made happens to be, in my mind, one of the more pressing issues in our modern day's christianity.

A large portion of modern christians believe the bible to simply be a book we read, study, obey…and in turn, if we don't obey, we could very well find ourselves worthy of critical judgement and in some cases, a form of excommunication. Others subscribe to an alternative ideal: The bible is actually more than a book of guidelines or laws to simply memorize and abide by. It's a loosely written book who's main character spoke in stories, all for the sake of creating space for YOU to become an active participant in its unwritten plot, as well as, tangibly and intimately involved with it's inspirer. It's the same book who's main character left it's plot by essentially saying "it is better for me to leave, so that my Spirit can become your friend and help you dialogue through and do life well."

In my opinion, your subscription to one or the other is one of the more important pending questions in life. Tragically, we have come to lift a book, and it's "instructions," above an "ability to relate" to it's inspirer...when...He's an inspirer, who never intended it to be read as primarily a life manual, but inspired the book as an invitation into a life-long dialogue and friendship.

Thoughts? Do you share in my inference of the importance to investigate your subscription? Care or not? Let me know...

LOVE'S REVENGE. love for the sake of love. 4:23 AM

I find myself in my small world that has made "love" trendy. It has taken the most dynamic entity in history and made it a tool, strategy, or means to an end. My teenage years, invested in trying to stay out of trouble, told me "love" was the only other option. My scholarly life taught me to present "love" as a currency for good relations with my teachers and, in turn, graduation. My evangelical roots taught me to "love" people to save people. My professional existence gives "love" the role of creating trust and respect in order to empower a contract or partnership. My marriage has persevered through it's share of days where "love" was simply a tool to make our lives less turbulent, to have better sex, or to get what i want.

As i read the new testament, i feel the injustice of my trendy little world that has neutered love and lessened it to a step in self-help or another checked box in my pursuit of happiness. I sense love's revenge inside my soul trying to explain that "love isn't a means to an end. It's the point." Love is not motivated by gain, it's inspired by one's epiphany that it's the superior value, action, and energy in life…That existence is now simply a journey in learning how to pull the intangible and near impossible reality of authentic love into everyday life with intention to learn it, enjoy it and deliver it.

TOP 3 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A WOMAN. especially when that woman could be or is your wife. 9:15 PM

In our first Christmas season together, I found myself often lost in the thought of “how the hell did I get Analee?” Beyond her being substantially more good looking, intelligent, and magical than I am, I’ve gotten centimeters away from blowing my chances with her all together-more than a few times. In celebration of both, her grace for my complete failure as a boyfriend, as well as, her spending this Christmas-and every other Christmas on earth- with me…I thought I might share my “epic fails” with the world. Take it from me all you men out there. Though it worked out for me in the end, the following is not a guide to success with women.

1. “We are not God’s best for each other.” A month into our dating relationship, I had a major epiphany. It was a treacherously wrong epiphany and one built on treacherously wrong theology…but an epiphany none-the-less. Our first month of dating was a hard one. Friends not supporting us, individual confusion, and plenty of miscommunication were among few of the usual suspects. In all my wisdom, I one day concluded that if God really wanted us together, it just wouldn’t be this challenging. In turn, these brilliant words exited my mouth and still plague our married life a year and a half later. All that to say, I don’t recommend making life-altering conclusions quickly, nor do I encourage having bad theology.

2. “If only you could just see it my way...” The better part about the first year of marriage is that my wife and I are both in love with the same person. The best part is that person is me (thanks Gary for the enlightenment). The unfortunate part is that, though this may be true, it’s not extremely productive in the business of loving my wife and creating a quality life together. The truth is that “if she could just see it my way,” things would be considerably easier, but would likely take us swiftly away from a healthy existence. Here’s the first thing to learn as husband, boyfriend, and man: Shut up and listen. We NEED the thoughts, opinions, perspectives of our significant others. The way they feel, think, and see is a magnet to our compass that will more often than not point us north.

3. “We will NEVER be married.” Again, the wisdom, foresight, prophetic ability, and infinite understanding of Tyler Ward on display. Though Analee was typically the one to see things in black and white, I gave it a go on this day. It didn’t suit me well. On the verge of asking a woman-who I was not 110% sure of marriage with-to move across the country with me, my fear of commitment adopted this thought, gave it at least a few minutes of reasoning, and proclaimed it boldly. I spent the next month and a half on my bedroom floor plagued by the misery of missing her, then drove 2000 miles in 24 hours, and pleaded with her to give me a chance to take the foot out of my mouth. She did. But…I wouldn’t recommend the process. Make it easier on her and yourself...Even if you have a disposition to dramatic declarations like me, resist them.

Merry Christmas. Hope it’s full of gut-hurting laughs, genuine love, and moments with the divine.

A TRANSCENDENT REALITY: reflections on a quality life and the role trust plays. 12:15 AM

Maslow, one of the more respected psychologists throughout history, throws twelve people he believes to have “self-transcended” (to be explained) in a room. They had three things in common. Each had had a significant mystical or ecstatic experience in their past that changed their view of themselves and the world, they project a serene and stable personality, and they possess the same five qualities as defining values in their lives: compassion, creativity, humility, intelligence, and divergent thinking. Maslow defined self-transcendence as the ability to rise above oneself and the material world to deeply give, care about, and love another…and in turn, experience a quality life. More importantly, Maslow preached that this ability to transcend oneself happens only after ones basic needs of life are taken care of. In real words, when our basic needs of life are being taken care of, we then have the ability to rise above the material system and ourselves to experience a quality lifestyle of love.

Here’s the issue: A vast majority of humanity carries the responsibility for the basic needs of life. Here’s the more relevant issue: A vast majority of people in our culture carry the responsibility for the basic needs of life.

Jesus, one of the more respected philosophers throughout history, looks in the eyes of people dying to live quality lives, but chained to a survival existence of pressure and reward…and he says this: “Stop worrying and say no to your anxiety. In the weight of your assumed responsibility and the fear it invites, you continually ask yourself: What are we going to have to eat? And what are we going to have to drink? And, what are we going to have to wear? Look up. The birds of the air don’t sow to reap. They don’t save for later. Yet, your heavenly Father keeps feeding them. Are you not worth much more than they are?”

Here’s the reality...The world doesn’t need primarily more beautiful, funny, rich or church going people. What the world around you needs are people who are taken care of. People who believe Jesus. People who genuinely walk with Holy Spirit, know he's taking care of their material needs, and are able to self-transcend. In this transcending reality, love finds it’s rightful home on the top of our value system and makes every moment of life worth experiencing and enjoying.

Far too often, I evaluate my life only to find a chain of anxiety gripping at my feet. Responsibility is not a bad thing in itself. It’s just that, far too frequently in my experience, it finds itself as a superior value to relationship and trust in the divine…and leaves me as a slave to my own reality, a product of my anxiety, and reaping the results of a life not sowed in love.

Maslow spent his life studying it. Jesus spent his life preaching it. A quality life starts with knowing you’re taken care of.

The Experience of Being Alive. 12:34 AM

I’ve heard a lot of people go on about their journey in finding meaning or purpose in life. I’m one of them. It’s very rarely a bad endeavor to wrestle with the issue. My only concern is that it’s not actually the purpose of our lives this groaning is looking for. Is it our quest for meaning that drives us in our young age to travel the world, keep ipod’s in our ears, obsess over orgasms, or put a syringe in our arm? Is it a search for purpose that makes us in our older societal seasoned lives bury ourselves in work, sink our families in debt, or run to alcohol when vacations just don’t quite thrill us the way they use to? Is it meaning and purpose that cause us to give our money to a stranger on the streets, stir romance with our spouse, or ask God to show up in our everyday lives? I don’t think so. Take it or leave it, but I think it’s actually the experience of being and feeling alive we’re all consciously or subconsciously hoping to attain.

Here’s the tragedy: Far too often our “road runner culture” keeps us in cycles of pursuit, when, I believe, the very thing we’re questing for is right in front of us. If we could muster the courage to refuse the sexiness of speed and slow down, we might just find the “experience of being alive” is far more simple to obtain than our mentalities often convince us.

There are life-changing stories inside the people we walk past everyday. There are aromas that could literally change the way you feel about existence exuding from the world around you. There are everyday sights, pictures, and landscapes that can change your mood no matter how negative your thoughts tend to be. There are life-altering moments in the quiet and mundane everyday that have the power to significantly change us. Most of all, Holy Spirit is always speaking to and wanting to do life with us, but is rarely heard and experienced in our hustle and bustle. Sadly enough, often we’re just too busy or quick natured to experience these moments of being alive.

In my opinion, our society--and especially the church--is in urgent need to smell the roses. Of course there’s a certain speed of life that our jobs, families, responsibilities…etc demand of us, but time management isn't the point. When we begin to value “experiencing” life-and not simply hurrying through it just to reach the next deadline, goal, or thrill--- our default mode shifts. Our free time and moments go from staying busy…to…conversing with a stranger, spending more time with our families, processing the implications of our words and actions, simply doing more of what we love…etc. Our focus shifts from how much we can accomplish and produce in every moment of our day...to...how we can progress as an individual or in what way we can better love somebody. Our perception changes from time being a finite commodity with no minute to "waste"...to...life being seasonal and every moment worth enjoying. And when this default mode changes, it could just be enough to not only consistently give us the experience of feeling alive, but may just convince the world around us that life isn’t about vain pursuits...and in turn, prove that there IS meaning and purpose to be found on earth.

Capitalism, Man-Eating Snakes, and Doing What You Love. 1:35 PM

Having just returned home from a 5 day experience with one of the more dysfunctional boss’ anyone could ever not ask for, this marks the end of my short stint with one of the more dysfunctional companies anyone could not ask to work for. Some of my preceding thoughts come from my natural progression into the professional world; yet, most of them come out of a semi-traumatic work experience, and may be prone to dramatic translation. In either case, here are a few random thoughts I’ve had during this recent seemingly long and rather taxing road of employment.

1.Leave Emotional Expectation at the Door.

I’ve found myself job after job completely out of sync with my boss and not enjoying anything I put my hands to. In my investigation of why, I made some significant discoveries. I recently found myself stuck in another situation where my boss was looking to me for production, my co-workers- for assistance, and there I was still trying to get my childhood needs of approval and friendship met. I know it sounds silly and one in my position probably should just be slapped and told “Welcome to the real world, now grow up.” But I’m not convinced that I’m alone in my problem. Here’s my issue: I spent the first five years of my professional life, not only using my jobs to primarily develop as an individual, but also working either in the Christian church or directly for friends. Both dynamics were huge gifts, but possessed a whiplash that has my neck aching today. Ministry in the church and Friendship both demand emotional involvement, healing, and progression, which means I’ve been bred to bring emotional expectation in to the workplace. Luckily enough, I recently found myself in a steel cage called “employment” with a man-eating snake called “my boss,” where my feelings and emotional needs were the last thing considered. Needless to say, it inspired me to investigate and discover that the professional world is not the place to look for, expect, or attempt to get emotional needs met or healed. Now, it’s simply a journey of learning how to establish boundaries and change my expectations in my professional life.

2.Capitalism: A Double Sided Coin.

I don't know if you have ever given thought to the system of government we're under (if not, you might as well stop now b/c this next point is going to bore you), but the integrity of capitalism has haunted and kept me wrestling for years. Ultimately concluding my love for living in a capitalistic society, in the workplace I still find myself disgusted with some of the wrong that it enables. The same system that affords the individual the liberty to make their own choices (a biblical reality), also presents the value of monetary wealth superior to the value of the individual-which entitles those with money to treat people like dirt. My last job was my first experience as the dirt, and only accelerated my questions and solidified my unrest with the system. For the longest time, I couldn’t reconcile it, but here’s my conclusion as of now::: A perfect society would be full of perfect people who make perfect choices. I've far too often yelled at the system for being flawed, but when you give liberty to imperfect people, you give liberty to bad choices, immorality, and corruption. I’ve tasted the fruit of both the good choices capitalism empowers, as well as, the bad choices it enables...and concluded that in the context of governing the free human race: it is the lesser of evils.

3.Say Goodbye to Unhealthy People.

Life is too short and our hearts are too valuable to continually subject ourselves to unreasonably unhealthy people. Above all else, you are not just an employee, you are a human-created with value, power, and liberty-and the choice to subject or not to subject yourself to unhealthy people is yours.

4.Do What You Love.

Have I mentioned how much I love my wife? She has recently joined and inspired me on this journey in discovering what I/we love and how we can and want to be wonderful to the world around us. Do you know what you love, and is it truly valuable? In my experience with the wealthy, most in our American society have been far too dominated by monetary gain, stability, and success to ever even ask themselves what they actually love, or to consider if what they love is valuable. Unfortunately, those who don’t take the time to investigate usually just fall in love with busyness or money itself, attach their heart to invaluable things, and tragically wind up disappointed and miserable at some point in this life or at the start of the next one. Analee and I have committed to investigate. We've made the first year of our marriage all about offending our societal fears and developing all the courage we can---to learn, articulate, and in the end, do what we love. God not only designed us to bring something wonderful to the world; he designed us to love doing it. If your doing something you don’t enjoy, chances are you weren’t designed to do it. It’s guaranteed to require all the courage you can muster and come with a level of sacrifice...but...you have the CHOICE to do what you love. If it’s business, music, public relations, writing, leading, hospitality, painting, pastoring, speaking, farming…etc that you love, there is nothing besides your fear stopping you from doing it. If you don’t believe me, take a season to press into God’s heart and you’ll find a Father waiting to give his children what they were made to want.

Your Turn. Teach me. Comment, Facebook, or Twitter me with advice or things you’ve learned in the workplace.

Marriage Counseling from a One Month Veteran. 12:21 PM

Its been 49 days since I repeated those vows, and though I may not be a veteran on this journey called "marriage," here's a few thoughts. They derive from both my substantial failures as a husband thus far, as well as, what i consider to be a few success' the wife and i have navigated. All of which, is heavily subject to change, especially in light of my recent and earth shattering discovery that i "dont know everything," which was so kindly stated by my wife.

3. Hooked on Phonics works for marriage. This has been one of the more refreshing dynamics of our first month together. When I'm home, my wife and I lay in bed after our favorite TV show or dinner with friends and read a chapter of our current relational help book. I feel like what this says to my wife is that i care about the progression, maturity and general health of our relationship, and i want to learn how to better love and interact with you. No matter how insensitive, misunderstanding or hardheaded i may have seemed in that argument earlier today, she is reassured every night that i am still in this and bent on learning with them. In the midst of my poor husband skills, I've seen my wife significantly recover excitement about marriage after reading together. Its a great tool to stay growing in your love, and just as importantly, to keep your hearts connected in the process. Books i would highly recommend: "Boundaries." -Townsend and Cloud. "Sheet Music." -Leman. "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus." -Gray.

2.Emotionally Connected and Holy Spirit Filled Sex Life. As newlyweds, we obviously don't have a frequency problem in the department. What i have quickly discovered though, is that sex is just as much a tool for emotional health in marriage as it is a pleasureful gift to satisfy. Not letting sex simply become an act of physical satisfaction (which takes quite a fight at times) has changed things dramatically in our day to day lives. I have watched my wife's walls crumble and her insecurity run quickly away as we partake. What i feel like this communicates to my wife is this: my concern for our heart connection and her emotional needs over my physical ones and that she is more than a sexual partner, but a intricately designed woman that i am committed to loving. "Sheet Music" is a great read on the issue. Also, try inviting Holy Spirit into the bedroom. I dare you. I think what you'll find is a God who loves knitting hearts together.

1. Learn a New Language. I think im finally starting to understand how you may be sure that you're made for your significant other. Only if his/her love language is the hardest language of love for you to speak. I'm convinced this is God's seemingly cruel but actually grace gift that keeps us growing in our capacity to love. Here's my dilemma: A)My wife gets high on words. B)I find words to be cheap and insignificant. C)Thus, my internal love might as well not exist, b/c without using words, my wife would never know it, and much more so, feel loved. Here's my point: I've had to learn to sacrifice whats natural to me-using touch and time to translate my love-and fight to communicate how i feel and what i think about my wife. I cant say i'm a legend at the fight, but when i do, i find a wife confident, loved, and secure in our life together. Great read on the issue: "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus."

Here's your chance: Counsel us. Whats something you've seen or learned about marriage that you would recommend?

BOUNDARIES: an ironic path to sincere love. 1:08 PM

"Boundaries are where identity comes from. They define what is you and what is not you. Some have not been able to own their own their own gifts, talents, desires, and dreams because they are unable to set boundaries on others definitions and expectations of them. You must take ownership of how you feel, how you think, and what you want, or else you run the risk of being defined by others."

-Townsend and Cloud (in "Boundaries" on pg 213)

Everytime i open this book, I sit mesmerized and just simply happy to be hearing someone answer so many of my subconscious questions. Yet, simultaneously i find myself breaking inside at the thought of the pain i've injustly felt and caused because of my lack of boundaries. Needless to say, it was quickly made clear to me that developing healthy boundaries is the most significant pending need in my life.

I have for far too long handed dysfunctional and untrustworthy people the right to hurt, abuse, and offend me. The more unfortunate dynamic is that i've opened my life widely to anyone in my path in the name of "love." And now, after years of building my life on this foundation of "love," I find myself 24, married, and reasonably crippled when it comes to knowing who i am and what i want. I'm just happy the story doesn't end here.

Today is a new day. Tomorrow will be another. Im just happy to know that i wont be defined by the thoughts and opinions of others (nor my assumptions of what those may be) in either of them. Though it may the beginning, I'm just excited to be on the journey towards a healthy life, defined by simply what Holy Spirit says about me, full of the authentic wants in my heart, and an ability to sincerely love.

Love is a Choice. 6:45 PM

In my move to LA, i found myself utterly intimidated and untrusting of anyone who could potentially have or hurt my heart. In a season when I was determined to not let anyone too close and in danger of shutting my heart down, who else would walk in my life than a five ft nothing ball of energy that pulled on every ounce of my attraction and intrigue?

She didnt notice me for months. That was fine with me. I was safe, uncommitted to anything, and therefore, happy. That is until... she noticed me, which opened a door and demanded i confront my hidden and buried agenda to pursue her. Our journey over the next 9 months was romantic, explorative, and conflicted at times. All of which confronted every bit of my fear, insecurity, and lovelessness, but never quite defeated my "box."

I found myself locked inside my fear, with no other option than to break things off with Analee. She moved to Nashville as I spent a month trying to reason my way out of what my heart felt.

It wasnt until after 5 weeks of running circles in my small world, whose walls were created by bad philosophy and relational immaturity, Holy Spirit whispered one small statement that "ruined" everything. "Love is a choice." In that moment, all my fear, and the logic i had in place to protect my fear, seemed to mean nothing. You mean love wasnt magic dust or a feeling that came and never left, or even my perception of compatability between two people ?? I bought a flight back to LA the next day. Jumped in my car and drove 2000 miles in 24 hrs to Nashville, where i spent the next few days apologizing, explaining my confusion, and praying for Analee's heart back.

A week later I tried to put a ring on her finger. Fortunately for me, she said yes and i get to embark on a journey of love with the most epic little swedipino ever.

Take a glance at Analee's side of the story, as well as, the rest of our wedding website @ www.tyleesaysido.com

No good reason. 6:40 PM

Just as my memoirs of mistakes were about to capsize my heart for the day, Paul walks in wearing a robe and holding a towel. Everything in me wants to fall on my knees and let the tears go. I keep my composure. He doesn’t say hello, just cuts to the chase. “Come here.”

For the next 10 minutes, we stand at his bedroom window and stare at the trees. He’s captivated with a certain kind of leaf, that when inspired by the wind, resembles the crackling of a fire ember.

He may have 4 meetings from now until the end of the day, only followed by weeks on the road, but right now…Paul’s mesmerized by the wind. He doesn’t let the next moment rob him of the current one.

With a pleasant voice, he points out more trees with this certain kind of leaf, the typical cloud cover over Oregon, and the fact that its his favorite kind of day. He waits with me until I’m done drinking the view in, and then returns to his day. What does it take for a man to not lose his soul? What does it take for a man to be just as happy watching leaves in the wind, as he is when standing on stage being recognized by thousands?

Paul’s reality finds itself successful at exposing my well developed skill at finding reasons why I cant be happy in the now. Thank-you Paul for screaming with your life that there’s just no good reason why I shouldn’t be as happy as I’ve ever been right now.

The petition. 1:44 AM

I could stay in the room of divine intimacy forever...its that good. But...the compassion in Gods heart towards humanity petitions me to come alive in the world. The eyes of the fatherless boy in the street suddenly shine brighter than my fear to be vulnerable publically. The cries of a marginalized generation suddenly are louder than my insecurity that keeps me bound from speaking. The stinch of money robbing people of their souls suddenly smells stronger than the self-preservation that keeps me quiet and indifferent. I dont know how to consistently do life in this place of undiluted compassion, but in this moment, it feels worth giving my life to learn it.

THIS MAN INSIDE. 11:30 AM

Humanity judged and the small world around him dropped its hammer with a verdict. This man inside took a step back...furthor...furthor...furthor...until he felt the chain of insecurity clasp his ankles. Ill confidence took his throat, stealing his voice. Shame gripped his wrists. After trying to scream, crying out for anyone to recalibrate-to understand- yet finding none, he resolved to find contentment in his dark, but safe, place. A year and a half later, a hand lifts his small-minded and safe dungeon, dropping it in southern california. Love begins to burn his heart again. When the door opens, every thing, person, and voice tugs on all thats dead inside-saying- MAN OF GOD INSIDE, COME ALIVE TO RIGHTLY TAKE YOUR PLACE IN THE WORLD.

THE PEOPLE OF GOD. 12:24 AM

the drunks...the homeless...the abandoned...the prostitutes...the poor...the children...the hungry...and the people who love them.

For more of those moments where my soul is possessed entirely by an undilluted love for RELATIONSHIP. Relating to the Divine. Relating to humanity. RELATIONSHIP. To value it...to understand it...to have it...to develop it...to love it is to have LIFE.

CHEERS TO NOT BEING LIED TO ANYMORE. 9:36 PM

After getting off the floor with God, it hit me. Jesus wasnt lying when He said the entire reason for His short stay on earth was so that we could have LIFE to the full. Yeah...it hurts like hell sometimes to not live inside the worlds "system," but who needs a system only good for some lies and keeping you trapped by fear anyway? And yeah...it takes time to develop life with God, but what doesnt take a process to grow? And yeah...it is a narrow road with a small population of travelers, but its the BETTER way...and its one of those moments where im just really glad ive found the grace to walk it. ...So...cheers to not being lied to anymore. To being liberated from a slavery to fear into a freedom to love. To inheriting a "system" with no boundaries through intimacy with the uncreated one. "The path of the righteous is like the light of dawn. It shines brighter and brighter until the full day." -Solomon.

Can you hear it? 1:12 AM

Theres a song that continually plays throughout the earth. Some call it the "Liberation of Humanity." Others have named it "Heaven Invading Earth." Either title, its heard by those who are listening---by those who have given their lives to hear. And when they do...hear it, they cant help but live to join in it. In child-like wonder they live day to day dancing and singing, suffering and pleading, loving and holding, giving and giving, giving and giving. They could lose all they have, but as long as they hear this song and sense its nearness, they keep singing. Can you hear it? ...If the church doesnt listen, the world doesnt get to hear.

If you want to know why there are still so many poor in the slums, oppressed trapped in factories/brothels, and marginalized stuck on the the streets around the world----its because for far too long, the most wealthy and resourceful church on earth-the american one-has devalued the person of the Holy Spirit and the place of intimacy with God in the human life. If it was to be corrected, Gods heart could be manifested on earth and consequently the poor would be empowered, the oppressed would be freed, and the marginalized understood.

Just a train of thought that keeps getting me... 10:02 PM

If a man was to use discipline, hardwork, manipulation...etc, he might gain the world. Yet, in the end, it would be a world with boundaries, limits, and ultimately an end. If the same man was to use humility and faith, he would find intimacy with the Holy Spirit and enter into a world with no boundaries or limits and no end.

The truth is. 10:39 PM

I miss my best friend. Without the nearness of Holy Spirit, I find myself running vain circles in a dark room, all the while trying to find a way out. Chris Martin says it best. "The truth is I miss you. Im tired, i should have never let you go. So i'll crawl back into your open arms."

The Weight of His Heart. 12:38 AM

I want the weight of His affections towards the people on earth to break into my reality and crush me to the floor. I dont want to get up until I'm consumed by love, and wrecked enough to GO and hold the broken, kiss the loveless, encourage the weak. You can keep my vanity and my dignity, I dont think I'm gonna need it anymore.

Love costs our lives. 10:16 PM

It’s a bizarre thing for me to realize that it’s on the streets that I feel most alive, where I am seemingly most at home. Looking in to the eyes of the hurting and poor, I further come to understand that love isn’t a hobby or an intellectual attainment, but that LOVE costs my life.

Catch the wave. Enjoy the ride. 3:22 AM

Is it a coincedence that God's been getting me for the poor and oppressed, and in the same breadth of time, I get accepted to a ministry school in Mozambique, as well as, invited to take off the asia for a month? I doubt it. As of Saturday, i was studying for a test on tuesday. As of Sunday, i had dropped classes after getting accepted to Africa. As of Monday, I was straightening things out to take off to asia for a month. As of Friday, I'm sitting in Tokyo pondering how much fun it is to do life with the Holy Spirit. Much of the time, its more like a catching a wave, and enjoying the ride. So, before i get off this wave, It will have taken me to Japan, Thailand, Singapore, Taiwan, China, India, South Africa, and Mozambique. If you want to keep in tune with the asia travels... asiaandbeyond.blogspot.com Keep in touch.

A day to remember. 3:14 PM

"When we are strong, we cant find God's love, mostly b/c were not looking. When we are weak is when God's love finds us." For years i lived under the reality of love being a reward. If I abandoned my normal shape to cram myself into the box of my dads expectations, I was loved. Though this reality provided little room for authentic relationship between my dad and I, its how we lived everyday until today. I woke up this morning to my dad eating a nectarine and drinking coffee on my futon in my living room. He had travelled down for the day just to express himself to me face to face. He told me he was sorry for never truly accepting who i was outside of his box. He told me i was free to be who I am, and that he understood my need for his love, but wouldnt allow me to strive to please him anymore for it- he would give it freely. He washed my feet, then wiped my tears. He showed me the value of weakness. He showed me the heart of God. He broke generation oppressions, and he opened a door and stepped into a new room. From this room, not just my heart, or my family will be affected, but the world will be changed. My dad is an international business man, a highly respected and influencial person in the lives of some of the voices of the world...and now...he's learning how to truly love, and love changes everything and everyone it touches. God cares for us and for the people around us far too much to let us go on in the vain strength we've aquired from the world. Our only hope is what my dad has discovered---weakness.

I wait. 5:02 PM

I feel so distant and have nothing to say. For the first time in a long time, I'm wishing it was yesterday. I wish I could change things, but dont have the strength. So I wait. I wait for you to take me by the hand. I wait for you to consume my heart again.

the brewing revolution. 6:19 PM

I sit here in a multi-million dollar house after enjoying a laid back day of fruit tea and friendship. Theres nothing wrong with my circumstances and experiences. In fact, im living a life of love and abundance...the very essence of the heart of God. But as I sit here sipping my tea, there are young girls being sold for sex 3 or 4 times before i finish my glass. There are orphans roaming the streets with no hope of anyone ever loving them. There are slaves throughout the world digging trenches and sewing fabric for the 13th hour without a break and no pay. I read and hear of the poor and opressed in increasing measure lately. I find myself quiet. Im not ashamed, just humbled, and hungry for my life to be given to their justice and joy. So thankful for the last 2 years of soaking and intimacy with the Holy Spirit, I find the heart of God manifesting itself in the cravings of my life.

Im just so glad Youre here. (for a bud's current season.) 10:27 PM

There are no words to explain how I feel. Its all of me, just not to cry. Speechless and empty-handed lying on the floor, All I can seem to ask is why? Things around me might seem fine, But everything is crumbling inside. That’s why… IM JUST SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE WITH ME. IM JUST SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE TONIGHT. So many thoughts of losing everything I hold dear. So many insecurities, so many fears. Hungry for so much more, all I can do is wait in silence and sometimes tears. Its then, I realize Everything I really want is already here. IM JUST SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE WITH ME. IM JUST SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE TONIGHT.

HOME. 10:46 PM

"The upright will make their home in His presence." -David. If we could only understand that everything else is simply the fruit of making our home in His presence.

He's a Lover, looking for a lover. 4:35 PM

Ever since He preached the gospel to me again, Ive kinda been wrecked. It's like when true love enters my heart, it lifts me above everything, including discouragement, small thinking, and social norms. I really like it up here. I think this is whats called the kingdom of God. Anyway, heres the fresh bread in song form---"Your a lover, just looking for a lover. (that line so generously given to me by Misty Edwards). Your a Daddy, looking for a son. I'll be your lover today, and I'll be your son today. We can go where You want to go and say what You want to say, just as long as I have You. You and me together. You and me forever."

The Gospel. 9:23 PM

Ah. I love how the Holy Spirit is so into encountering and loving me...and that He is so much more dedicated to me than I am Him. All He did today was tell me the gospel again. For those of you that havent heard the gospel in a while, you have got to hear it again, b/c it is so good. Anyway, this is the song that came out of our time. "Are you hungry? Are you hungry? Cause there’s a feast going on, and its for free. Are you thirsty, are you thirsty? You can have all you wanna have to drink. Just come here at His feet, and believe. Come here at His feet, and receive. He has already made the way for you to be free and drink. Come here at His feet and believe."

I ask for manhood. He touches my ego. 11:40 PM

I ask for manhood. He holds my hand and walks me through two days of hell and on the other side shows me what a restriction and a knife my ego has been in relationships. During one of the nights, where i laid there in physical heart ache for no apparent reason, God showed me a vision of me laying on a hosiptal bed during surgery, as He sat next to me holding my hand saying "its all going to be better tommorow." He is so good. Its because of that, that I'm willing to go through the process at whatever the cost.

I love the process. 5:16 PM

No matter my age or how long ive been in church, If I have never tasted becoming like a child in my expression towards God, the danger is that I may not know Him for who He is, nor His kingdom or reality. Its in that place of humility that God sets a foundation to build upon for the rest of my life. I cant be mature, until i embrace my immaturity. I cant be a man, until i become like a child. I can't microwave this process, but I can enjoy the fullness of every step of it. I can't claim to be complete in this process, or even close to it, but I can say I want ALL of it.

streams of thought. 3:24 PM

I have this deep craving to give myself to love, to buckle under and submit to these desires to become like a child in my expression towards Him, to make the expression of my heart low and simple just to enjoy the fullness of His presence, letting the thoughts of me trickle away........I have this surface expression of "all i know is that I dont want to be who I am acting like right now." To which I love that His method to change me-its not to give me greater ambition to strive after doing better things or being a better person-its to love me, wooing me into His presence where I look at Him, I commune with Him, and all the while I am changed........I have this longing to lay in His presence, not thinking a thought until its inspired or saying a word until I must. Bringing all my edges, all my rawness and immaturity, yet just to be with Him and to hear the stirrings of His heart.

CASH. 7:03 PM

Ive been so moved as Ive looked into the life of Johnny Cash. Redemption is beautiful. After years of overdoses, attempted suicides, affairs, alcoholism, and heartache, Cash finds love. What i find so amazing is his non-religious love. Its real. He writes in his last album packet, "Sometimes in the morning, I'll say "good morning" to the Awesome Presence, but sometimes I forget to." I get this sense after learning more about him, that he has an amazing seat in heaven, and a really special place in Gods heart.

just to be with You. 7:11 PM

Its true. Its real to me. "One thing I ask, to gaze upon Your beauty-to live in Your sanctuary." When the vision, or revival, or prophecy, or miracles, or ministry, or being me, or any other good-God-things become my focus (my first love), I am miserable. Proven dramatically yesterday, this dissatisfaction will always lead me to sin. I must be close to Him! I must have intimacy. I want to feel His skin upon mine. I want to smell Him, and come away smelling like Him.

ah... 5:13 PM

That quiet place of rest, where my heart remains silent for long enough to taste love, to taste the Spirit of God........ah.

the currency of heaven. 4:54 PM

If I dont hunger, I dont eat. And if I dont eat, I'm never full. I dont fast to get more things from Daddy. I fast because I want to be hungry.

He is more than His words. 1:46 AM

I'm so glad that God is more than His words, that He is more than a book...that being a christian is not a religion. Its not about disciplining myself more, or doing more, or striving more. Its about opening my heart to a REAL God and letting the invasion of love take place. I love reading His words, but I'm so glad that the Bible was never intended to give me more knowledge---I love that His words are intended to bring me into a encounter with a LIVING and ACTIVE and LOVING God. (And that if it doesnt usher me into a deeper communion with Him-I get puffier with every concept and fact of knowledge that I obtain, and He gets jipped out of more of the relationship that He did so much to claim.) Ah, Im so glad that I am created for raw, but real relationship, for love. It makes the reality that God is love become all the more beautiful.

a lovers inheritance. 2:19 PM

Intimacy is my generations key to unlock the doors and see heaven invade this earth. He's promised the kingdom to a people who have a specific kind of relationship with Him. That relationship is not primarily one of obedience, or servanthood, or any other minor that we so often major on. This relationship is one of love. He promises His reality-the kingdom- to lovers. Lovers are the heirs of the kingdom of God. (james 2:5.) If it is His primary will to invade this earth with His reality (seen through Jesus' life and prayer), then we have our key to fulfilling the plans of God. It starts with and ends with me falling more in love with Him-Intimacy. It starts with me sitting right here at His feet.

one thing. 3:30 AM

There is no one I rather be with. There is nothing I rather do, than just to be right here, at your feet right here, with You.

He's just that good. 1:15 AM

My pictures of what my life is suppose to look like and feel like are suffocating my heart with all of its expression and desires. Its not about my efforts to live a life that lines up with an idealogy of what it's suppose to look like. Its about me communing with a real God, all the while falling more in love, and everything else coming out of that place. Intimacy tastes so good. Even though the misery seems unbearable when its gone, intimacy is still worth giving my life to. He's just that good.

thoughts on the wifey. 6:20 PM

If I go where You go, and if i say what You say, will she go? Will she follow? When the waves get rough and the skies get dark and You call me outside of the boat, will she go? Will she follow?

If i'm not living from my heart, I'm already dead. 5:28 AM

Im discovering that most of the time the only battle we have to fight is to operate from who we are. Earlier, I finished the movie "Lord of War." The last line of the movie, Nicholas Cage says "Dont go to war, especially with yourself." I feel like this entire trip to the beach has been a slow progression of a comfort in the world and a normalicy of indifference to Gods reality robbing me of "me." Ive been at war with who i truly am, who God says I am, who He's shown me i am.------The beauty of it it is that Im ruined. Its like i must live from my heart or i will die. In fact, If im not living from my heart, Im dead already.

it tastes so good. 10:49 PM

How amazing is it when your first love is your "manifest-here-and-now" love? It can't get any better than this! It makes since why I was made for this.

My first 2006 beach sunset. 10:32 PM

As i sat watching my first 2006 sunsetover the beach, my mind said its usual dues to how amazing creation is. My emotions served their usual expression as they were lifted beyond a need to say anything. Yet in the midst of the scene, there was this yearning in me that broke through, as if to say, "I want to commune with God's heart." It dawned on me, that it couldnt get anymore beautiful than when my heart has found its home in the presence of God, or when my bridal affections are satisfied by that place of love with God. I heard a song yesterday that seems to say it all. "Cant close my eyes, their wide awake. Every hair on my body has got a thing for this place. I will empty my heart to make room for this feeling so much bigger than me. ---It couldnt be anymore beautiful. I cant take it in.--- Weightless in love. Im unravelling, for all thats to come and all thats been. All that I wanted is here today." Its not the sight of thousands of miles of fire that lights the entire world setting over an ocean that mirrors it that brings my heart alive. Its when i encounter love that is so real and true. I want more of a capacity to recieve and possess that love.

dreaming. 2:01 AM

If i could dream of a perfect life, it would be a life ruled by love. A quiet life where intimacy with the Holy Spirit would be my hearts home. This home would not only be my refuge, it would be my place of operation. It would be my first love. Everything else in my life would only be an expression of that place. In that place, my capacity for the heavier calling and destiny and plans of God would be enlarged. In that place, Gods dreams would be fostered and my dreams-birthed. In that place that my heart would call its home, I would be most alive. I guess the beauty of it is that this guy named Jesus lived the life that he lived and did the thing that he did so that this "dream" could be my reality. Now, my life is simply the process of Him wooing me closer and all the while becoming more at home in this place called intimacy, in this place called love.

that place. 6:27 PM

Its proven true in my experience that Daddy likes to let the tornado called life w/ all of its good or bad emotions, desires, pressures, expectations, dissappointments...sweep us off our feet for a time, only until we are carrried to the eye of the storm where love becomes our source and our joy. Its in this place that we are free to fall in love again. Its in this place that we are most alive.

the beauty of recieving. 4:50 PM

Moment of salvation is the moment when the Holy Spirit invades our conceived, inherited, developed beliefs that we can live this life on our own needing nothing from anyone, and brings us to a form of humility in that we recognize our NEED for another. If you believe that salvation is a gift, then in that moment, though you confessed with your mouth and believed in your heart, at the root---all you did was receive. Is it Gods design to bring us to that place of receiving that one time in each of our lives, then step into a life of doing nothing but serving and giving? Modern day America would say yes. But biblically, no. Its as if the normal Christian experience has been reduced to a one time event of encounter and reception from Daddy, and the “next level” being defined by a devotion to service and proclaimation. If this is true, then we have lost the peak of God’s ambition for us (being shown through the sum of all law), that we would fall in love with Him, has been absolutely lost and dominated in Jesus’ call to minister (commission). In this small train of thought, there is left no room for a depth of intimacy and communion with God, nor a lifestyle that is free to EXPERIENCE the depths of Daddy's heart, or the expressive love of Jesus, or the powerfully sweet blow of the Holy Spirit. (When this small way of living is in action it results in concepts and knowledge being elevated over experiential revelation and relationship with God. Comparison between Hebrew (experience) and western (concept) mentality.) Picture 2 worlds, one being the reality of the world we live in with all of its concepts and understandings (2 plus 2 equals 4). The other being the reality that Jesus has proclaimed and brought for us which would be built on His logic (2 plus 2 equals whatever God says it equals.) Pertaining to growth or advancement, what does world 1 say? “If you work hard, go to school, do the best you can…etc, do this, do that…this is the path towards whatever it is your trying to obtain (growth).” What is the path of world 2? “Come to me all you who are thirsty, and I will GIVE you water to drink… On your own efforts and abilities, advancement is impossible. The beauty of it is that I have gone before you and claimed everything you could ever ask for or imagine. Just recieve it. It’s the picture of a seed (parable of the seed. Matt 13, Mark 4:30), full of everything our eternal desires long for…it’s the kingdom of God, and its planted in our hearts when the invasion of the Holy Spirit brings about faith in our lives. Its within us. James 1---In humility, receive the word implanted. The word being the reality brought by Jesus, displayed by His teachings and sayings. It’s a picture of the kingdom of God within. How does that seed get watered? By us receiving from God. The pressing need in the church and in the world, is not to study scripture harder, or to spend more time witnessing. Its to make the priority of our lives to receive from God…to find that place of intimacy with God, where you are giving to Him and receiving from Him, to find that place of love.